


if you're not made for me, why did we fall in love?

by Aberial_63



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Break Up, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 20:25:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18483733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aberial_63/pseuds/Aberial_63
Summary: Alec thinks about what he's done and Magnus grieves all he's lost





	if you're not made for me, why did we fall in love?

Alec can't hear anything else. Not the traffic. Not the children laughing as they pull their parents from door to door. Not the sound of his pounding heart that he can definitely feel slamming against his ribs. No, he can't hear anything but the words Magnus had said to him. 

 

_ No, no, please. _

 

_ I can't lose you too. _

 

_ Stay with me, okay? _

 

Those words ring in his ears and Alec can't force them out of his head. They drip with Magnus’ heartbreak, with his absolute devastation. Alec did this. This is his fault. All of it. 

 

Alec hates himself. He'd sworn to himself that he'd never hurt Magnus but he keeps doing it anyway. 

 

His only consolation is that he knows Magnus will get over this. He will move on from Alec and he'll get his magic back. Alec knows Magnus will be okay and that doesn't make the pain or the guilt go away, but it helps him to accept it. Alec can suffer the rest of his life without his true love if it means that one day Magnus will smile again and actually mean it. 

 

For now though, with the wound too raw and the words too loud in his mind, Alec can't even keep himself standing. He staggers into the nearest dark alley and activates his soundless rune and his glamour before the first sob racks his body. 

 

He slides to the ground, back to the brick wall, and releases every ounce of agony that bleeds from his heart. Alec digs his palms into the rough pavement until he can't even feel the sting anymore but it isn't enough. It doesn't make him forget what he's just lost, who he's just lost. 

 

Magnus had called Alec selfish. Alec wishes he'd been selfish. He wishes he could have swept Magnus somewhere they could be alone and the world couldn't hurt them. He wishes he could have kissed Magnus back and let him know that it wasn't his fault, that there is nothing wrong with him. He wishes he could have said no to Asmodeus and held on even tighter to the one person that matters more than anything else. Alec wishes he still had Magnus. 

 

But he can't have him. Not when it would mean that Magnus would never be happy again, not as happy as he deserves at least. 

 

The situation is unfair and unbearable and Alec knows he wouldn't change it if he could. 

 

He can do this if it he has to. 

 

For Magnus. 

 

.

 

Magnus can hear everything. The traffic. The kids and the partiers that pass by the shop window. The broken pulse in his veins. His own shuddering, desperate cries. The words Alec had said to him. 

 

_ I need a break from us. _

 

_ There is no fixing this. _

 

_ Magnus, I can't. I'm sorry.  _

 

Magnus used to think he'd known heartbreak. He thought he'd experienced every sort of soul-splitting, fist-clenching, throat-choking kind of loss that could ever be felt by a person. 

 

He was wrong.

 

_ This _ , losing the one person who makes him feel whole, who had made him hope that maybe he wouldn't have to be alone again— 

 

Magnus can't breathe. He just lost the love of his life and he can't  _ breathe.  _

 

Alexander is gone. He doesn't love Magnus. Magnus isn't worth it. He's not worth the effort or the pain or anything. Alec can't be with him anymore because Magnus is so pathetic. Alec doesn't want him.  _ Alec is gone. Alec is gone. Alec is gone.  _

 

Magnus falls to his knees. The force of hitting the ground rattles him enough that he gasps instinctively, but then he can't stop. He's breathing, but it's too much and he can't stop the panicked heaving breaths that threaten to make his lungs burst. His chest burns with the stress of it, but he can't make himself stop. 

 

He has nothing. No home. No job. No magic. No Alexander. 

 

What does he have to live for now? What is there to look forward to in the morning? What makes it worth even getting himself off this floor?

 

Magnus aches to change this. He wants to go back in time and say the right words that escaped him before, the words that would have convinced Alec to stay. He wants to fix his drinking and his vulnerability and his weakness. He wants to lift the burden he placed on Alec's shoulders that must've become too much for Alec to carry. 

 

Magnus would change everything if it meant that Alec would come back and say that he still loves him. 

 

Magnus can hear everything except for the three words from Alexander that he never wants to live without.


End file.
